Patagonia Journal Entry

This “journal entry” style of writing is an evocative glimpse into the post-retreat glow and integration, experienced and written by Jana Eilermann, a participant on the 2024 Very Rugged Renewal in Patagonia. Enjoy :)

“I woke this morning in my own bed of silk pillowcases, lusciously soft blankets, and two sweet dogs eagerly awaiting approval to smother me with love. You'd expect I might feel relief, especially after long days of travel, flight delays, lost luggage, and thirteen days away. Yet on this cold and cozy morning, I longed to awaken to an icy tent on an alpine lake, shivering and hungry, body sore, and knowing I would only get colder and more uncomfortable before I would be warm, awake, and my voracious appetite finally satiated.

In the last 36 hours, I've not found joy in the new season of Rupaul's Drag Race, nor in proximity to all of my possessions. I've not found joy in packages received. I've not found joy in unpacking, organizing, or flossing my teeth for the first time in two weeks. I've not found joy in the ability to google any of the many questions that pop into my head and have a wealth of information at my fingertips. I've not found joy even in my coziest sweatpants and favorite mug filled to the brim with a steamy dark roast.

I was satisfied in that moment in the icy tent and others like it, which leads me to question--what brings me joy and fills my cup?

I've spent the last two weeks centered, grounded in the present moment. Today my joy is hiding in the photos, the memories, and the women I share them with and even in the feedback I received on this trip.

In the past, I would have HATED the feedback I received because it meant that people really knew and saw me, which has felt too vulnerable. I also would have hated it because their feedback didn't give me a to-do list. It did not require action or change.

It was love, gratitude, and acceptance for who I am and how I move through the world at this time and in this place.

I am thankful to have gone into this trip not knowing any of the other women, as it kept me present and centered and allowed me to see others with love, gratitude, and acceptance for exactly who they are and how they move through the world in this place and time. No preconceived ideas. No clouds of judgment, my own or from others.

Just a group of ladies in the wild figuring out ourselves and each other while giving space and grace to allow others to do the same.

That is where I find joy.”

And four months later she writes:

“Upon returning to “real life” I would tell people how the trip changed me and changed my brain. I couldn’t articulate how, but I was writing poetry and making art and just felt different. About three weeks after returning from this life changing adventure, I went through one of the most horrific and difficult times of my life. I felt shock, and grief, and fear as my world seemed to fracture and collapse like the snowy surface in an avalanche.  I questioned my ability to survive and was forced into a major change that I did not want to make. The people I typically go to when I need support were also grieving and struggling. Somehow, I managed. Stopping was not an option.

I was reminded of climbing the steep mountainside of loose talus. My heart was racing. I felt scared and at times, wanted to stop. I didn’t stop. I couldn’t. And I made it through with a hell-of-a story to boot. 

I was surprised and impressed by my ability to handle the difficulties in Patagonia, and the difficulties as I returned to my “real life.” Skeptical of the changes I felt, I wondered “Am I really handling life this well or am I dissociating?” but after 4 months, I think I am actually doing OK. I credit the Rugged Renewal for my OK-ness.

Because I spent two weeks in January climbing mountains, swimming in glacial lakes, and consciously and intentionally moving into and out of stressful situations, broadening my window of tolerance and expanding my comfort zone, I felt resourced and grounded in a way that allowed me to navigate extreme difficulties and feel my emotions without crumbling like the remnants of a melting snowpack in the spring. I am able to get creative and look for the opportunity for growth that accompanies destruction.

Even as I recall the grief I felt leaving each and every Patagonian vista, I am aware that the leaving was necessary to arrive to another different yet beautiful place.

Salud to the beauty ahead.”

Thank you Jana, for your willingness to share so fully with all of us. May your vulnerable refections deepen our own ability to make meaning of the adventures, challenges, relationships, and beauty in our own lives.